'A nation screams Yes!'

Armchair View

6.15am: It's the morning of the Boks final Vodacom Tri-Nations Test and on such days one must turn to the Good Book of the All-Seeing, All- Knowing Vic. Via the magic of Twitter, Victor Matfield, speaks thus:

"Would be nice to get a double today. Boks winning the Tri-Nations and Bulls smashing the Sharks." One out of two will do just fine, Vic.

9.23am: SuperSport has just informed us Nigel Owens, the Welsh referee is patron of the "Wooden Spoon" charity. Late injury update: Juan Smith is out and Schalk Burger in.

9.33am: It's Haka time and the Blacks serve up an almost subdued version of Ka Mate. It was more "Ta, mate", actually.

1st minute: Penalty! 3-0! Carter opens the scoring after "Wooden Spoon" Owens gives a dodgy nut against Smitty from the kick-off for obstruction. Commentators Skinstad and Pearce use the word "dubious" three times inside 60 seconds.

5th minute: Penalty! 3-3! Frans Steyn belts a 60-metre kick that just creeps over. Around the world rugby fans use a four-letter word that starts with "F". Yes, that would be "Frans".

10th minute: Penalty! 3-6! F-bomb does it again, but this time it's a mere 55-metre chip down the middle.

11th minute: Joe Rokocoko blatantly takes Bryan Habana out in the air and Owens does not give him a yellow card. Skinstad goes "out on a limb" and says it was "ridiculous". Gosh, such strong language.

14th minute: Penalty! 6-6! Carter evens up the scores. First scrum of the game and Owens, with Paddy O'Brien in the stands and no doubt wanting to show he knows as little about scrums as Wayne Barnes did last week, blows up Smitty after his foot slips and the scrum collapses.

16th minute: Drop goal! 6-9! Morne "Vetkop" Steyn kicks a 35-metre drop and Hamilton is all "Silent Night".

21st minute: Try! 6-16! Fourie du Preez, the IRB Player of the Year elect, scores. The Vic stole the ball from a Black lineout, Du Preez's up-and under was fumbled by Rokocoko, knocked on by Mils Muliania, picked up by Bakkies Botha, who romped to within a metre, set up the ruck and Du Preez sniped over.

22nd minute: Penalty! 9-16! Carter scores his 900th Test point with his third nut of the night.

26th minute: Penalty! 9-19! The F-bomb thumps over a 54-metre nut. That means he has kicked 169-metres in this game alone.

33rd minute: Penalty! 9-22! Kieran Read hits Dolce Gabana with a hit so late it came after the whistle. Vetkop whips it over.

34th minute: Penalty! 12-22! Carter kicks over the seventh penalty after the Boks were offside in front of Spies's 60-metre clearing kick.

Halftime: Boks lead 22-12 at the break. Forty more minutes for the Boks, but, they must also overcome Wooden Spoon, whose first-half refereeing might have been described thus by Shakespeare: "As mad in folly, lack'd the sense to know."

43rd minute: F-bomb hits a drop from inside his own half, which has the distance but is wide. SMS from my mate G-man, who has had to head to the Virgin Active to watch the game on the TV on of new-fangled Technogym bikes because his eight-month pregnant wife can't handle him screaming at the telly.

48th minute: Tackle! Smitty smashes Thorn in a tackle that is some small revenge for that spear tackle last year.

51st minute: Try! 12-29! In what might be his last game for the Boks, Jean de Villiers intercepts a Carter pass and sprints 30-metres for a trademark score.

56th minute: Try! 19-29! Sivivatu gets the five-pointer after Jimmy Cowan tapped a nut and Isaia Toeava slipped inside Ndungane. Oooerrr, still 25 minutes to play.

60th minute: We enter the "Dead Zone", the last 20 minutes of the match when the Boks seem to fall off the pace, but from an AB scrum in the Bok 22, Smitty and Bakkies crush Tony Woodcock on the second shove.

64th minute: Penalty! 22-29! Carter's sixth penalty brings the ABs to within a try to win the match. Is it too early for a calming beer?

70th minute: Penalty! 22-32! Vetkop extends the gap to 10 points after Dolce forces a penalty from Mils in the AB 22. Du Preez's grubber set that up. Surprised? It was Du Preez, mate, you really shouldn't be.

78th minute: Try! 29-32! Tackles McCaw is picked out on the right wing by a Carter cross-kick and dots down for the try. Boks have a minute to defend a three-point lead.

Full time: Victory! With 81 minutes and two seconds on the clock, Wooden Spoon asks Bryce Lawrence if that's time. Nine time zones away a nation screams "Yes!"

He brings it to an end and Smitty throws his arms in the air. P Divvy and Gary Gold sit stunned in the coaches' box. World Champs, British Lions beaters, No.1 in the world rankings and now Tri-Nations champs. "It was epic," says Smitty of his first win in New Zealand.

Epic? that's spot on, Smitty.