Fathers and Old Boys matches must end

For the sake of Fathers and Old Boys everywhere, the concept of the school old boys or Father's match is one that should be carefully considered.

Personal experience has convinced me that it is a practice which should end immediately.

The Father's competition does much to entertain and amuse spectators. It motivates and encourages schoolboys everywhere.

In an Oedipal frenzy they realise that they are getting stronger, faster, bigger and more skilled. In contrast the "old man" might be slowing down and is no longer the sporting giant they were led to believe.

Some matches can take on the appearance of a blood sport or a shark feeding frenzy as the struggling old bull goes down in a flurry of kicking, hacking schoolboys.

Sadly the attack is usually led by the father's own son. It almost goes without saying that the match itself does very little for the morale of Old Boys and Fathers. It leaves them disillusioned, embarrassed and, more often than not, injured.

Encouraging your youngster from the sidelines is one thing, playing against him quite another.

As a Saturday afternoon armchair critic, cold beer in one hand, binoculars in the other, it is easy to see the faults in your youngster's play. He plays back when he should go forward. He dribbles too far before passing, he kicks for touch when he should get his three-quarters into the game.

Playing against him and his school mates is a very enlightening experience.

A father/son confrontation is almost guaranteed to result in his fast away swinger becoming a much, much faster bouncer. These confrontations are normally accompanied by ribald comments from one and all on the field of play and amused cheering from the spectators.

The cheering becomes a roar when Dad's middle stump is uprooted or he is left badly winded after a crunching tackle by the youngster.

It is fascinating, from the father's perspective, to learn how the game has changed. It has been spoilt and is not as much fun as it used to be.

The game has become more aggressive, faster, and more physical. Fouls are more frequent and go unpunished. Sledging appears to be encouraged. Some rules are now impossible to understand. Offside is a minefield, the scrumming rules a total confusion.

Attempted back-passes to the goalkeeper are so fraught with embarrassment that they are best left alone. The benefit of the doubt goes not to the batsman but to the schoolboy. Whether there is doubt that Dad is out or not - he's out.

Equipment can be a source of ridicule and embarrassment. The new rugby balls aren't brown and they are no longer made of leather. A Barry Richards or Jackie McGlew bat can raise a snigger or two. Shoes are usually state of the art, but the problem is they are not designed for long sweeping passes or attempted Jannie de Beer drop goals.

Perhaps the greatest motivation for banning Fathers and Old Boys matches is that they are extremely dangerous. To the fathers, that is.

Most Dads weigh much more now than when they last played any sport and for this we cannot blame creatine. Some Dads smoke, have spent too many years eating and drinking too much. Hopelessly unfit, Dads are soon run off their feet and the more portly fathers are in danger of suffering coronary arrest.

The only sporting innovation of which fathers approve is the squad system. This enables them to play in 15-minute bursts and then retire, for practical reasons, to the bench. Dads are often heard inquiring from the referee how much playing time is left.

This has nothing to do with trying to win the game and everything to do with pace and endurance judgment in an attempt to survive.

At least half the Fathers will probably be injured before the end of the game. The others will be limping and stiff as boards the next day. Injuries can range from twisted knees to torn hamstrings and severe bruising.

My father has a metal pin in his ankle as a result of a fluffed "Gary Sobers" cover drive. At the time the injury was puzzling to me. Now all is understood and all is forgiven.

If you asked the fathers after the game whether these matches should be stopped, they would all attest to the embarrassment, humiliation factor as the greatest reason to do so.

It is sobering to realise that you are no longer immortal. It is also frightening, and pleasing, to watch those whom you still consider children playing like giants.