#askADELE | Don't count on a partner for your happiness
A power play is where the stage is set up on unequal terms. One person wants what another has to give. Guess who holds the power? A relationship starts off great until this happens and then everything changes.
This week’s question comes from Lesedi in Bela Bela: “I am young but I have several relationships. I am the lucky one. I am not sure how to choose and settle down though.
“I know, deep down, that relationships can teach me more when I approach them consciously. I want a partner that will make me the happiest. How can I know who that is?”
Dear Lesedi, there are many questions here and I will choose to answer some. You are lucky when you have the option to choose. When we are alone, choosing a partner that is right for you, requires a different approach and it is harder.
But you are not excluded from understanding what the criteria are for choosing the partner that will help you grow consciously.
Even though you might have many partners, none of them might be right for you. Let’s look at those criteria are.
Sometimes we learn more by understanding what something is not. Unconsciously partners play games. It is important to understand how a game is set up. Unequal relationships are dangerous when the rules are not equal for both partners.
When a person is lonely and wants to be in a relationship, he/she is willing to sacrifice a lot. This later leads to internal resentment and a low self-image. In your case you can choose the partner with the most to offer and you are probably not willing to give up anything at all. Do you understand an unhealthy co-dependency could be the outcome when the rules are different for two partners?
Power is unconsciously given to the partner who feels that he/she has some sort of an advantage. You said that you are the “lucky one”. It doesn’t matter what you base the feeling on, what matters is that your position in the relationship creates a false sense on which you want to build a conscious relationship.
Conscious relationships are just that - we are acutely aware of what is happening in our relationship. This “false sense” or the unequal base on which you want to place another expectation will lead to more unhappiness.
When you said, “I want the partner that will make me the happiest”, it seems as if you hold an expectation based on your position of advantage. This reveals that you will expect your partner to bring you happiness.
Relationships are places between people where we relate to each other based on certain assumptions of trust, rules and exchanging needs. To depict “happiness” as an object that can be gained or given is a myth. Remember that happiness is a fleeting feeling that you experience when you exceed your expectation.
If you buy into this happiness feeling, then you are actually saying that you want that specific partner who will exceed your expectations more than the other partners do. I am also wondering if you want to sit back and let your partner take the responsibility for your happiness. This is not only risky, but it is also not very conscious.
Never give the responsibility of your heart to anyone else. You are doomed to fail.
Rather use the criteria of “who is equal to you in every way” as a yardstick to choose the right partner. A person’s heart belongs inside his or her own ribcage. When the pressure is on, the other person has to choose whose heart to protect, because two hearts cannot fit in one person’s body.
The type of love that sacrifices will eventually become depleted, and there will be nothing left to give. Then you will look at this person and say: “Who have you become? I don’t recognise you any more.” What you will not realise is that you have contributed to the emptiness you see in the other person.
Having a relationship set on equal terms means that you give respect an important seat in your heart.
It says that you love yourself enough to trust that sharing and relating in your partnership is the starting point from where you will build the kind of love that will make your relationship work.
The right partner is the one who will bring as much into the relationship as you are. No one sits back. That is just selfish. Are you selfish or are you a respectful person?
Commitment is not about “happily ever after” or conquering a goal. It is about nurturing a give-and-take future.
It’s not about what relationships can do for you, but about what you can bring to the relationship.
What is the answer to your question? Ask me at www.adele-green.com/askADELE/ or listen to previously answered questions.
* Green is the author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship, and supports transformation for women during difficult times with her coaching, writing and podcasts.