Making a second marriage work #askADELE
The first time that you get married, your parents are your role models of what to do or not to do. The second time that you get married you compare your partner to your ex-partner.
This week’s question comes from June in Bryanston: “What will be different the second time around when I get married?”
When you marry for the first time you imagine that your life will be like your parents’ lives were. But, even if you do everything the same way, you still end up having a partner who was raised by different parents with a different story.
And you are in a different set of circumstances because the challenges that you have to face are not the same. With your second marriage, you will try to play the same role again, but this time you will expect different results.
In order to make your second marriage work you need to consider how your own behaviour has changed. If we keep doing the same thing, we keep getting the same results.
A marriage has two partners, and you can’t expect your first experience to be totally your ex-partner’s fault. Inside all of us there is a constant process taking place that attempts to figure out what is happening to us.
We try to put what happens into a context that makes sense. “Where do we belong?” and “How are we doing?” As we unconsciously seek feedback from our environment to determine if we should be doing something, we are driven towards a goal. In this case the goal is how we should be doing marriage the second time around.
The benchmark of how high you aim is being set by your role model. When the role models are your parents, but your first marriage gave you your own unique experiences, you are setting new benchmarks.
To know how to measure yourself you will need a clear frame of reference that is not your parents or comparing your new partner to your ex-partner.
The reality is that if we expect our partners to be different and are not willing to change our own behaviour, we can’t expect the results to be different.
Your expectations will be affected by being married before. If you have clarity about what happened in your first marriage, and you developed a strategy about what needs to be different this time around, you can adjust your expectations consciously.
Your role in the matter and your partner’s role should be crystal-clear to you. Boundaries can be put in place by consciously making agreements to do it better this time.
When similar experiences show up in your relationship, you can intervene by adjusting your own behaviour consciously. It is always a good idea to check your own assumptions and to let go of ‘rights’ in a marriage.
An attitude of gratitude for what a marriage has to offer makes it easier to build on what you take for granted and keeps our expectations of our partners realistic.
Every marriage is unique and it only works, or does not work, because we decide what is possible or not. There is no failure; there is only feedback.
What we do with that understanding and perspective is up to us. We only fail when we give up. That is the decision which is ours to make.
Making decisions is how we exercise our power - the only power we truly have.
To try again after you have given up once takes immense courage or intense stupidity.
With renewed hope you can learn from your mistakes. This time, you can do better because you have more information about yourself and how relationships work.
What is the answer to your question? Ask it on www. adele-green.com/askADELE/
* Adelé Green is the author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship. Her blogs, online chat show and coaching courses support transformation for women during difficult times.