Divorce may free you from some issues but won't necessarily bring happiness
The latest South African reports have indicated that 14045 women entered the single-parent financial arena in 2015.
But it does not stop there: many are discovering that a divorce solves little of their problems as they remain in a relationship with their now ex-husbands.
This week’s question comes from Margarit in Blairgowrie:
“Was a divorce the right thing to do? I was not happy in my marriage. But now that I am divorced, I am still unhappy. I am a single mother and no one told me it would be like this. What makes a person happy?”
Dear Margarit. What is right for one person might not be right for another. What we do know is that the age most women get married is 30, and for most men, 34. Statistics SA also reports that in 2015 the average divorce age of women was 40 and 44 for most men. The more interesting fact is that although 45% of these marriages never reach 10 years, 55.6% of divorced women have children under the age of 18 who still need their parents. It is no wonder that women who hoped that a divorce would free them from certain issues now find it harder to get financial support. Divorces come with their own sets of challenges.
The relationship you build after the divorce with your ex-husband to sustain your children’s needs requires a new set of boundaries. The emotional and psychological needs that prompted a divorce are being weighed in reflection against the physical and financial burden of raising children as a single parent. “Full and final settlement” is a legal myth.
The emotional cost for both the winner and loser of a divorce stirs a personal transformation that is seldom worth the price you pay for the illusion of freedom.
This brings me to the other question: “What makes a person happy?” The answer to happiness is singular, but not simple. The mistake couples make is giving their “emotional hearts” to the other. The power over your heart should only ever be your own. Giving it to someone else places the responsibility of happiness upon your partner. No role that a person can play will ever be enough, because whatever (role) you think you’ve agreed to, will keep changing. And, the road to happiness evades most. The only person that can make you happy or unhappy is you.
The first mistake is believing that happiness can be found through another person, no matter how much you love them.
You set yourself up for disappointment and then blame your partner when you are not happy. You have more control over making yourself happy and then sharing that with your partner. Once divorced, the same challenges remain, except now they exist with a singular goal - nurturing the children. In or out of a relationship, the route to happiness is to let go of your pain.
If you are not happy in your marriage and think of getting a divorce, remember that your inner-struggles (if you focus on them), and need for freedom is what will bring you happiness, rather than a divorce. The same thing that binds your marriage will connect you in a relationship with an ex. Finding solutions for the challenges might include committing to a new agreement with your existing or ex-partner.
Allow yourself to divorce him on the inside. It might sound bizarre, but think of it as a spiritual divorce so that you can find him again after you deal with your own issues on the inside.
When you are ready to recommit, your partner can appreciate you in the role that you accept to play. That role will be the one that includes how you make yourself happy. Too easily we forget that happiness can be found by acknowledging ourselves, claiming things instead of waiting for permission, and “coming out” as we awake to ourselves again and come of age. If you are around 40 and think a divorce will solve your personal development issues, think again. The divorce you want is not for your children, it really is about your own happiness. A divorce does not bring happiness, it brings the maturity to be responsible for yourself. So try that first (being responsible for yourself for your children’s sake) before you start believing in your fairy tales of being saved by a knight in shining armour on a white horse. We both know that it does not work that way.
Don’t mistake financial independence for a deep personal transformation either. Independence is only part of the inner-journey. Don’t think that surviving 10 years of marriage will spare you from transformation, that is a phase of your life.
Conscious relationships are part of a choice that you make when you put yourself first. Your roles as you now interpret them will bring meaning and value to what it means to be a partner, lover, mother and a business leader.
The relationship that you develop with your ex-husband is often the unexpected surprise, because no one has told you it was going to be like this. Now you have been told.
* Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a Conscious Relationship. She provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or contact her for coaching.