Did empowering women affect the high divorce rate? #askADELE
Statistics SA has reported that the divorce rate in the country is at its highest. When you consider who initiated these divorces, and compare these results within population groups, it raises an interesting question about what has happened over the past 13 years. What has changed in the hearts and minds of women for them to increasingly become the plaintiffs of these divorces?
This week’s question comes from Lerato in Krugersdorp: “My relationship has been in shambles since I got promoted at work. I did not ask to become the breadwinner but we have both accepted of how this has changed our roles in the relationship. What I would like to know is why after we had switched roles I don’t feel valued as a fully contributing partner? I never thought that I would be thinking about a divorce, but I am.”
With all the planned changes in our government and business leadership roles, we have seldom considered how it would impact on our relationships. Who prepared partners for their new roles?
Relationships work better when partners understand the expectations for their new roles. Parents prepared men to be the breadwinners. In the spirit of correcting inequality, many leading women are finding themselves earning more than their partners do, which switch roles in relationships. This happens while unemployment is high and men find themselves less marketable in the workplace, often making women the breadwinners by default. This new power play confuses what we want from our partner’s new roles. When you expect too much you will be disappointed. Your own efforts towards your new role will seem like they are not appreciated until both partners move on to more realistic expectations.
You cannot immediately blot out a lifetime of conditioning about what to expect from your partner’s traditional role. A female chief executive of a company still wants to lead in the bedroom. The man who now nurtures at home might also want to “be played” in the bedroom, instead of playing the “leading” role.
To find realistic expectations the process requires seeing life from the other’s perspective. Maybe this will help to explain perspective in relationships: a man had enough of working every day while his wife stayed at home. He prayed to God to switch bodies for one day with her so that she could feel what it is like to work eight hours a day.
When he woke up he was a woman. He made breakfast, woke the children, prepared their school clothes, fed them, packed lunch and took them to school. At home he washed clothing and did the shopping. Then he unpacked and washed the boot and the dog. He vacuumed the house and rushed back to school to fetch the children who fought with him on the way home. Back at home he fed the children and the ironing while he cooked dinner. After dinner he washed the dishes and folded the clothes. Before he put the kids in bed by nine o’clock he bathed them. Exhausted he fell on the bed where his husband (wife) wanted his attention. When he woke up the next morning he immediately asked God to change him back into a man. God answered him: “I know you learnt your lesson and I will happily change you back in nine months after you give birth. Last night you got pregnant.”
The moral of the story is that you might discover that given a choice about your role, once you understand it from a different perspective, will change your expectations.
According to Stats SA, there has been a 5% increase in divorces initiated by women since 2011. From the data presented in July last year, 46% of these divorces show that children are under 18 and the median age for women are 40 (men are 44).
Women’s needs are reflected by the population groups: in 2015 42.9% of divorces involved black women compared with 24.3% in 2003.
In 2015, 26% of divorces involved white women and in 2003 this was 40%. Women initiated divorces on average in 51.6% of the cases.
. A total of 70% of women still prefer to get married.
There is a gaping hole in the hearts and minds of women where women are apparently more financially empowered. When women shift their values they also shift the expectations of what they deserve. It is difficult to understand the impact of women empowerment on relationships and family structures without understanding expectations of the new roles. Start to better understand the world from his perspective. Develop realistic expectations and use what you know about your old role as a guide, while you allow him to teach you about your new role.
* Adelé Green is a Transformation Specialist Coach and author of 'Can You See Me Naked? Grow in a Conscious Relationship’. She provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or contact her for coaching.