Will your relationship survive free-spirited self-discovery? #askADELE
After women have grown family roots of their own and have nurtured the next line-up of leaders, they tend to also lose track of themselves.
There is a clear divide between those women who judge the brave, those who are prepared to challenge the status quo in an age of self-realisation, and those who act appropriately. Which one are you?
This week’s question comes from Cynthia in Bethlehem: “I spend all my time taking care of my family. I love them, but I have forgotten who I used to be. I am divided between going away with an old school friend and being the one everybody relies on. I am even afraid that my husband might leave me. I want to go, but I have to stay. Or do I?”
You won’t believe how many people find free-thinking women challenging.
Empowerment programmes are great for the workplace, but in the bedroom, submission to a man still rules supreme. Women comply in the name of peace. On the other side, men do their utmost to play the role of the provider “of all things”, to keep their women happy.
They struggle to comprehend why she would consider doing anything just for herself. “Is what he brings not enough? Is he not good enough?” He often comes with alternative family solutions (which includes the whole family), like a family holiday to the same destination. But, what women need at this stage is internal growth.
Making the decision to go on holiday without your family, whether the thought first occurred because it was a “free trip”, or, because it was on your bucket list, still appears to be a selfish decision. When one partner does something outside the accepted norm of the relationship, it will break the mould and challenge the invisible boundaries.
Boundaries define us. They are statements about “Who we are” and “What values we stand for”. We belong to those value statements. When we grow and become more than what our relationships state we are, either the relationship grows too, or we announce to the world who we are right now. The decisions that we make support what we feel strongly about.
If you go on that holiday with your friend, Cynthia, then you are giving yourself permission to become more. If you need your husband’s permission to do it, and he declines, you need to find out which value is surfacing that you need to understand about yourself. Is it your turn to focus on you?
What does your relationship not allow you to be?
If your desire is to reconnect with “the you that once was”, your man might be wondering if he is next on the list of replacements.
When the feminine within emerges, she has no name and no face. She comes with feelings in the night and a soft voice no one but you can hear. She is irrational to the world who would prefer to ignore her existence.
The latest data released by Statistics South Africa, shows that the divorce rate is up almost 5% since 2012. With more women than men initiating these divorces, the reason for it seems unclear. The median divorce age for women is 40.
If you want to go and explore who you have become, while you are in a relationship, know that no man can stop you. Your true obstacle is your ability to pretend that the voice inside you is not real. It is normal to fear what you may lose and you can choose to stay and remain the person everyone thinks you are, or you can figure out what is really happening inside you and your soul will evolve. This is not something your partner can do for you. He can only trust that the person he married is still in there.
Your relationship will continue to expand and include your emerging needs. It might help you to know that when you are in touch with yourself, your life will be infused with inspiration, purpose and you will carry on where you left.
Go be brave and if you have outgrown your relationship, it will not be because you went on holiday. It is a basic human right to know yourself. Don’t underestimate your partner’s ability to grow with you or assume that your relationship is not resilient enough to move to the next level. It takes only one partner to invite the other to expand.
* Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of ‘Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship’. She provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or contact her for coaching.