#SexColumn: Dressing up and getting down can be an exciting way of spicing up your love life

Dressing up and getting down can be an exciting way of spicing up your love life. Picture: pexels

Dressing up and getting down can be an exciting way of spicing up your love life. Picture: pexels

Published Mar 1, 2024


By Sharon Gordon

There’s nothing as hot as being yourself; except possibly being yourself, being somebody else.

Have you ever been to a masked ball or a fancy dress party? Wasn’t it exciting to be outside of yourself? It is the same excitement with erotic fantasy play. Exploring those alter-egos hanging around behind-the-scenes in your erotic fantasies can be a fun and fulfilling way to uncover what really turns you on.

Even if you don’t feel totally ready to claim those desires, erotic fantasy play could give you a path to explore as you discover how to get deeper into your own sexual self.

When introducing a partner to your erotic imagination, it takes a bit of skill, patience, playfulness to get there. It requires you to be in a trusting relationship. Nobody wants to be laughed at or find their fantasies posted on the net.

Feel free to linger in your solo sex play as you run your scenario in your own mind, testing out your roles and what you want to do before you bring your lover into the game.

There are a whole host of things that feel really amazing within the confines of your own bed and with your own hands that just aren’t doable with someone else or withinthe context of that relationship.

That’s okay, and honestly, that’s why all your toys and stories can be such great tools in your exploration of sex. There’s no pressure to bring your fantasies into the flesh right away, either.

While playing on your own, you may hit upon a fantasy scene that you aren’t sure you want to act out in real life but really, really turns you on to just think and talk about.

Rather than distance yourself from a hot idea you can bring those “maybe not yet” fantasies into bed with your lover as devastatingly dirty talk, passing your favourite details and sensations back and forth from your lips and your imaginations.

For that first time you open up and describe a hot scene from your own fantasies to your partner, you can draw on all that fantasising to be as specific as you can about who you are in the fantasy and who your partner is.

What seems like the simplest of characters, the schoolgirl and teacher, for example –there are many variations, and some might be more of a turn-off than turn-on to you. Posing as an intense, over-achieving honours student may feel pretty different from a demure blushing first year.

Likewise, you can dream up a sweet, nurturing teacher for yourself to romance, or a scheming, perverted one to teach you a few tricks – or enjoy both at the same time –why limit yourself?

Before you play together, take care to really listen to your lover about how he or she sees their part in the fantasy you’ve laid out. This could be your first opportunity to let some creative collaboration come into play.

If you say that you’re set on being an utter brat, and you’d like your partner to punish you for it, there may have some suggestions and alternatives.

Your partner could be absolutely delighted to be your teacher, but to get into the scene you might say that by the end of your game, the teacher will need to turn tender and fond of you (even as he pulls down your undies and wields a ruler, of course).

A little negotiation only fine-tunes your fantasies into an even hotter shared game between you. Speaking of undies and rulers, there’s already probably a few prop-worthy items at your place right now, just waiting to have their own secret identities called out.

Many people collect and cherish erotically inspiring garments, photos, and accessories for years before they have the opportunity to use them. Those seamed stockings you picked up on a whim. Maybe the old doctor’s bag from the tag sale?

Your toys needn’t be specifically designed with sex in mind to provoke you.

When it comes to objects you may want to use in direct genital or anal play, consider investing in some dedicated toys or at a minimum, some condoms and lube to keep everything clean and your partners safe.

In addition to physical safety, consider your emotional well-being. You might not feel that you are doing anything all too severe in your fantasy. but it is always important to propose a safe word – a code that you can use to give one another permission to break character and check-in. You don’t have to save it only for moments of distress.

You could decide that calling your safe word just means “time out”, and that you want to take a moment to step out of role and re-calibrate where the scene is going so that you can both continue. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a breather mid-scene.

One really popular safe word is “red” for “stop right now” and yellow for “slow down”.

You can use anything that feels right to you, as long as you both know what you mean, and find one that fits the tone of your fantasy – like “mercy, ma’am” or “recess, please”. Do not choose words like “yes” or “no” for safe words as they can easily be confused as part of the game, especially if part of your fantasy includes protesting.

After all, the captured princess would try to resist the daring pirate, wouldn’t she? A safe word lets her pretend to fight.

As you play, your fantasies may evolve over time. All in all, the changes you both suggest just add to the game. And, over time, as you find your mutual fantasies, open up even more sexy flourishes and elaborations, you can incorporate spontaneously and instinctively.

Once you take the time to get into one another’s erotic imaginations, you can take pleasure in keeping one step ahead and get that nurse outfit you have been dreaming about.

If you don’t know where to start or feel you lack imagination, try reading some erotic literature. See what makes your body heat rise – you may be surprised.

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